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21. The Road To Good Intentions Is Paved With Self-Righteous Shit Heels

I'm going to stop from recounting the shit I've done in the past and really get to the scab of how I feel about a couple of things.  No matter how I spin it or try to make it funny, prison is a horrible place filled with swine and murderers, child molesters and monsters.  This is a place I wouldn't send my worst enemy, let alone a friend.

I want to talk about the situation that got me here or mostly I'd like to talk about the people who would have gladly taken a hand in it if they had gotten the chance first.

Now, we know that in a fit of anger my wife showed my father-in-law a picture of me holding a pistol.  Based on that photo, my father-in-law lost his shit and went to my probation officer, "to see if he'd straighten me out." i.e. throw me in jail.

Who gives somebody the right to judge what I'm doing with enough authority to take away my freedom?   Whether it be 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 fucking years?  This is the question I will discuss.  There is never any shortage of people who think they know how best to deal with or save somebody who isn't them.  The same people who get into or on their vehicles after a long night at the bar or smoking weed or whatever else in their homes and cars.  These sanctimonious fucks who, under the justification that they've got their shit together enough not to get caught, think that they have everything put together enough to judge someone else.

I want to explain my big crime that I seemed to have committed previous to my coming in here that tempted others to want to call the law on me before my father-in-law did.

I WASN'T SPENDING ENOUGH TIME AT HOME WITH MY WIFE AND CHILDREN AS FAR AS THEY WERE CONCERNED.

I was working full time.  When I was around my children I devoted my time to them.  I became a member of a motorcycle club that I had wanted to become a part of for years.  I spent a lot of time with the club, I admit, but because every tubeworm likes to just assume, they failed to understand why.  I'd also like to mention that "a lot" consisted of Friday and Saturday nights and a couple of hours on Wednesday after work.

I have a brotherhood that can't be explained.  We don't make any money doing illegal shit but you know what, when push got to shove it was my club who paid for an attorney for me.  It's my club who has money in the safe for whenever I need it.  While I have a couple of friends who would do this to an extent, it was the club who, when my bike wasn't working and I couldn't afford to get it fixed (because of all the drugs I wasn't selling), gave me a custom Softail  to ride, indefinitely if I needed it.  All with nothing owed.

Nobody would know this because nobody cared to fucking ask.

One visit up here Alison said to me that before her dad had done anything there were people who told her they were going to do the same thing - call the law.  BECAUSE THEY WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE DIRECTION I WAS HEADED!  Are you fucking kidding me?  You people act like I'm out on a corner shooting dope and robbing old ladies while walking around in shit-soiled jeans.  Who the fuck are you?  Who the fuck is anyone to judge how my behavior is effecting me based on whatever Alison has told you?  I'm sure she was upset when I'd finish work, give the kids a ride around the yard on the motorcycle a few times, do what needed to be done and then go up to the club house for meetings or to get shit together for an event.

Now, I'm talking about the club a lot here because I know it was Alison's biggest bitch so I'm sure that's what the people she bitched to (the ones who also wanted to call the fucking law) heard the most about.  I told Alison before I even probationed that they first year or two would be very busy.  I don't have to go into detail about why to you, but she knew and agreed.  She knew how bad I wanted it.  But just like anything else people are agreeable to, something once said can quickly become untrue.  The transparency of people or at least the translucency of people disturbs me.

I know a lot of my friends only want me around them tentatively.  I can tell none of them ever really feel comfortable around me.  I sort of interjected myself into their lives and they, more than anything, tolerated me.  The only real and close accepting friends I've ever had were Matt and Jessica and Mikey.  A third of that group is dead.  Before them I had some close friends but due to circumstances within my control they accept me around in a 'hows everything going' kind of way.

I live my life the only way I know how.  I don't do anything just because I think it might be impressive or with any regard to how it will look to other people. I haven't written any fiction in this blog.  I am really and seriously uncomfortable all the time.  Getting through the days are a struggle for me.  I have to live life in a way that I'm not so banged around that I can't bear it.  It isn't up for debate and it certainly isn't anybody's fucking decision to take my freedom away because of it.

THAT IS NEVER AN OPTION, person who has never spent a day of life in a jail cell.  Who is the person who thinks it's ok to take a father from his kids because you perceive that I'm "going downhill"?  How do you do that without even consulting me first?  It never once ran through anybody's head to talk to me about how you felt?  No, that would put a wedge in your prejudiced mind.  I am hardly speechless.  Who gets to do these kind of things?  I am here because of a woman's vengeance and a father's (you know, I was going to call it love, but it's not) fury.

Alison talks too much.  We all know that.  I have never laid a hand on her.  When I got pay checks I signed them over to her.  I got through the week on a $20 bill here and there.  If I was living a miserable existence, what business is it of yours?  Alison wasn't the only one unhappy.  If I had come bleeding my feelings all over the fucking floor, would the answer have been to "man the fuck up you cry baby"?  I believe it would have.

Whatever happened or happens in my marriage is not anybody's concern.  I didn't abuse my wife.  I did things that my wife didn't like.  Just like in any young marriage, she did things that I didn't like.  So fucking what?  If anything was going on that needed immediate police action, me having a picture with a pistol isn't it.  The picture wasn't even for Alison, she broke into my phone to find it because she thought I was banging everything with a pussy.  Even if this was true, IT STILL ISN'T ANYONE BUT MINE AND ALISON'S BUSINESS.  YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME.  Especially when it comes to my freedom.  They wanted to give me five years minimum for that picture.  I got 30 months.

I sit in this fucking place and I hate.  I am stuck in a cattle lot for another year as of this writing.  You, on the other hand, have a hard time relating, doing whatever Summer time demands.  You go to the beach and drink beers, I constantly have to look over my shoulder for flying locks and shit in public.

I've only been in here for nine months and if Alison's phone rings her mother says, "You don't have to answer that." and if she's going to bring my kids to see me, her dad says, "You don't have to go up there."  I don't know who the people are who would have been the ones to "do this for my own good," but I'm certain I'd never hear from them because it wasn't for my own good, it was just a good way to get rid of me.

Out of all my friends and family, I converse with four people on a regular basis.  Besides Alison, Jeff (when I can get him to answer a phone), Alexa, Meghan, and John.  My club brothers also answer the phone anytime I call.  I know it's tough out there, there's lots going on.  It'll be tough when I get out, too.  Real tough.

I also want it to be known that the excuse, "I didn't think they'd give him that much time," won't fly.  Taking away two days of my  freedom is unacceptable.  I have to say these things.  I'm not sorry if it hurts feelings.  I don't want anybody thinking that doing that is ever ok.  If that the way you think, then call the police the next time you see one of your friends smoking weed.  The next time a drunk friend argues with his wife, make that call.

I just need to reevaluate some things.  If this was ready to happen before, it will most certainly happen again. They were never my friends nor were they enemies.  They were simply another pig-masked face in the crowd.  I'm not sorry.  I can't just change my being and be you. I can't and I won't.  The way I live my life is hard even for me.  I have terrible short-term memory loss from repeated skull poundings.  I don't think or act in commonplace ways.  I act and think and live to excess.  I've lost too much and gained too little.  I try to make my way forward every day and sometimes I just don't get anywhere.  I have weeks of lucidity that are always followed up by storms of madness.  I am always uncomfortable.  I miss and I hurt and I live the only way I know how.  Some people know that and I do not ever bind anyone to me unwillingly.  Anybody is free to go at any time without the threat of violence.  At any time.  After years of having my freedom taken because of myself I will not have it taken by others.  EVER.  I don't care how high the horse it, how sharp the chip may have gotten.  As I write this, my grandfather is recovering, tentatively, from brain surgery.  I can't touch him and on the phone he asks me, "Where are you?  Why aren't you here?"  I can't tell him that somebody thought this was in my best interest, that the way to fix somebody is to place them in a cage with monsters and hope he come out better for it.  I spit on your faces.  I've made amends with the people that deserve it, it's nobody's business.  I know few people lose sleep but believe me, sleepless nights will be had. If my grandfather dies while I'm in here for your righteousness, Hell will be your haven.

8 comments:

  1. I answer the phone anyways.
    I take the kids every week anyways.
    I'm sorry.

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  2. Tell it like it is, make peace with only those you know to be deserving of it. "Do gooders", the bane of society, just enough info to be completely dangerous. Hold fast man.

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  3. If you want to hold a pistol, but you know that doing it could land you in jail or prison, don't hold the pistol or at least don't save photos on your phone of you holding the damn pistol.

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  4. To me, the pistol wasn't the issue,it was who it was being sent to, why it was being sent and the message that was attached.

    I understand that my husband is angry and not in prison on his terms but there is much more to the story and as Ryan himself stated "I have terrible short-term memory loss from repeated skull poundings. I don't think or act in commonplace ways. I act and think and live to excess." I'm sure you can imagine how difficult that is to live with.... if you know Ryan personally you KNOW, without me having to "talk too much", that he is a handful. I LOVE my husband, even when he is at his suckiest. There is a reason my nickname for him has always been "sucko"... he knows it, accepts it and even smiles sometimes when I call him that.
    I COULD go on and on here with the other side of the story... but it's not my blog.

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  5. Alison, we understand that every story is multifaceted. I'll bet that there are plenty of women in a similar position who would like to read your story. Maybe creating your own blog could help support those who have been left behind while their loved ones are incarcerated. Sometimes it's good to know that you're not alone.

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  6. My first response to that is... I wouldn't want to "talk too much"... that's sarcastic smart-ass Alison, who most of you know and have learned to love. After thinking about it for a few minutes while I wrangle lunch for the kiddos I would like you to know that I actually started a blog the day of the "incident" but it is open only to me. I have considered sharing it. I had hoped to be able to offer "the other side of the bars" view on questions Ryan was asked on here but he hasn't received many questions. I have a few entries, very spaced apart but it is on my list to work on some more. I'll let you know when I am comfortable with sharing.
    P.S. I'm okay with this blog. I can see his view on it. I wish he would even entertain mine. :)

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  7. I've only just discovered this blog but I can already tell it's something I will be reading religiously, Ryan, your writing is fantastic and I really hope that one day you might consider getting your writing published. It reminds me of my favourite author John Birmingham (in particular his "he died with a felafel in his hand'). I hope ( and this will sound naive and bullshitty as hell but i really mean it) that your time there passes as quickly as possible, keep up the fantastic work.

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